You are already a great parent
According to a study I read about in the book, Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner, if you are the type of person that wants to read a parenting book, you are already a great parent. The simple fact that you are seeking out information that might help you become a better parent, makes you a better parent. We will all make mistakes and we will be okay because millions of parents have made those same mistakes before you and we are still good people. Having written that, here are a few books I recommend written by some smart mistake makers. Give them a read for some great ideas to maybe incorporate into your arsenal of tools to draw from when doing the hardest job in the world, being a parent.
Along the way to having an almost 10 year old son and an 8 year old daughter who thinks she is 32, I have struggled with finding a way to raise small humans who are not A-holes, who are responsible for their community, who are confident and kind. A few years ago a friend told me about a book called Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed D, because I was having some difficulty with my son. He was being disruptive at school, not listening at home, it was painful trying to get him to accomplish a task, complete a chore and overall he was getting frustrated very easily and having emotional outbursts. I was at wit’s end when I read Positive Discipline. Jane Nelsen explains that a child’s behavior is an outward sign of an inner stress. The stress is not necessarily epic, sometimes the child just needs a hug or a snack. A child’s outburst may seem large but because we as their parents must take control of our reaction and modify the child’s stressor. It’s like unplugging the vacuum, instead of throwing the switch. This deescalation allows you to address the root of the problem, and you and your child are able to learn and make changes.
I have to admit that when I first read this book, I thought it sounded counter-intuitive. You’re telling me to give the kid what they want when they are throwing a tantrum? Yeah, right. But that is not what she is suggesting. She only suggests that we as parents keep our patience and determine what can bring the child back to a level head so that we can parent the child with love and understanding. When the stereo is playing too loudly, it is hard to hear anything else. Nelsen offers ideas and strategies on how to turn down the stereo so that the child can receive the help they need. It is a bit dry for my liking so I listened to this one on my way to and from work and while folding laundry, but I find I use her strategies almost everyday.
My second pick is The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas are Setting up a Generation for Failure, By Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt. This book talks about the influence of things like the internet and Cancel-Culture on our children and the ways they have been taught to deal with uncomfortable situations. This book explores the idea of preparing the child for the road, not the road for the child. We have to have faith that if we give our children the tools to use to move through life, not all the answers but the keys to the doors that will lead them to truth, they will make the right choices.
I used to tell my babies (when they were babies), “Hot!” when they got too close to the oven. I would say that, “Hot!”, 100 times a day and they would still venture too close to the oven. I started to think there was something wrong with them. I told them 100’s of times that the oven is hot and they still go near it, do they not understand me? Oh, wait. They barely speak English and I am expecting them to know and understand what the implications of, ”Hot!” are?! I started taking their little hand in mine and together we would feel the front of the oven door just for a second so they could feel the warmth and then pull my hand away with a surprised look on my face and say. “Hot!”. When I gave them tools to understand what is being asked of them, what the real implications are for touching a hot surface, they were better able to navigate the kitchen. We are not perfect but at least we are able to understand each other.
My last recommendation is one that will always remind you that the world might be a scary place, but your little one will be able to take care of themselves. The Gruffalo by Julia Donaldson, Illustrated by Axel Scheffler. This book is an oldie but a goodie. Netflix has also made it into a beautifully animated short movie (about 20 minutes). My children are 9 and 8 and they still love when I read this book to them. I love how the little mouse uses his brains to outsmart all the animals that are trying to get him. This book will get you cuddled in close and laughing at the silliness of the predators in the story.
I hope these recommendations are helpful and that you and your family are able to learn and benefit from other mistake makers such as we. No one is perfect but the more tools we have to get the job done, the better chance we all have at making better humans, and what is a more noble undertaking?
NB
